The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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