Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
