Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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