Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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