Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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