I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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