I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
