Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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