ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
