the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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