I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
