So drunk, too bad you don't want this
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
