woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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