If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I don't deserve a penis
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
