Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
