She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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