I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
