she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
