so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
