I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
