I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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