the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
