I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
