my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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