upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She has the best kind of daddy issues
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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