there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
