Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
