if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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