it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
