I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
