Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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