I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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