Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
