I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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