Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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