she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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