my mouth tastes like poor choices
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
