I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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