Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
