Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
