Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
