I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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