I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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