hotel room ftw
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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