So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
