sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize