Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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