Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
