Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
