Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
please come you make the beer taste better
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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