Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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