everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
