Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
