Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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