Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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