I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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