I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
