Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
