just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
