I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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