So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
